Looking forward to a world of uncertainty

This entry was written by Jaime Rossano. Jaime was diagnosed with 2B invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. Jaime, an instructor at a play and music facility, is alsocollege student pursuing a degree in Humanities and Social Science Every other Friday, Jaime will share a blog entry about her breast cancer experience. This year-long blog series is in honor of LBBC’s 20th anniversary.

To read Jaime’s previous entries, enter “Jaime Rossano” in the search box on this site.

How can you ease the feelings of uncertainty? Do you wake up everyday after treatment is over and wonder: is this cancer going to come back? Will l have to re-live this nightmare again? I am glad to announce that I only have two chemotherapy treatments left – then off to radiation. I can’t help but think to myself that the medicine they are giving me is what is keeping the cancer away. What happens when I am not on this medicine anymore? Will this come back in 6 months, a year or maybe even sooner? Will it spread somewhere else? Will it take on a new form?

I am only 27 years old. I can’t do this again. Lately I feel like I’ve been hearing about so many women who are having recurrences. You add on 15 years to someone who is 60 years old – that makes them 75. Although they are still young, they have lived. You add 15 years to my age, that only makes me 42. I haven’t lived yet.

I am excited that I won’t feel like crap anymore. I won’t have to take all the extra meds to make the days a little easier. I will be so excited to have my hair back. But knowing that breast cancer has already entered my life, what can I do to make sure it doesn’t come back? I hate to say I know the answer. This disease is going to do what it is going to do. I just don’t want to think that every ache or pain is cancer. Does this feeling ever go away? I just can’t live my life thinking every day I may die.

My husband made a comment to me the other night during a very serious conversation about our situation and me living with breast cancer. He said to me, “I want you to write a letter to Ronnie.” He began to explain to me that he wants me to write a very special letter to him in case one day this disease takes my life. He wants Ronnie to have something very special from his mommy. Well of course I bursted out into tears thinking to myself “I can’t die.” But he is right – everyone can tell him about his mommy and how much she adored and cared for him, but if he can actually read it for himself, it will mean more.

I think I am finally realizing that there are so many women out there who are survivors and who are alive and living well and that is going to be me. But I have decided I am going to write a special letter to each one of my family members in case that dreadful day every does arrive. I rather be prepared.

I felt great last week and Ronnie and I went to Johnson’s Farm with some friends for an Easter Egg Hunt. Ronnie had a blast but wasn’t so fond of the Easter Bunny. We spent a lot of time outside just playing and making memories.

young women and breast cancer, fear of recurrence, breast cancer, lbbc 20th anniversary

To read Jaime’s previous entries, enter “Jaime Rossano” in the search box on this site.

How do you take charge of fear of recurrence? We want to hear your thoughts! Comment here or on our Facebook page.

10 thoughts on “Looking forward to a world of uncertainty

  1. I also said I couldn’t do it again but here I am…I’m having a mastectomy in a few weeks and I’m also writing letters to my children…Be blessed.

    • Joede,
      Thank you for reading my blog. I know I was so blessed to have my son before this mess. Good luck with your surgery. I had trouble because I am so independent I wanted to everything on my own but in face I couldn’t really use my arms.

  2. How do even begin to comment on this!! Getting across how you are feeling us a wonderful way to fight this battle!! Seeing you go through this nasty disease has not been easy but you have made it look easier then I know it has been for you! Most conversations I have had with you have revolved around your love for your son Ronnie I think it is a wonderful idea to write him a letter and when you are in your 70’s you can sit downand read it together!! even if this winds up coming back you are such a fighter I know you cankick it in the ass again and when you don’t think you can I will be there to pick you up!! I love you so much and thank god for bringing into my life everyday!!
    Love you,
    BFF Jenn

  3. Jaime

    My advice to you is live and thrive. You have breast cancer this is true, but you can’t let that define you. You are still Jaime with cancer and still Jaime without cancer. As you said this cancer will do what this cancer will do; and if it rears it’s ugly head again, you will be Jaime. Jaime the fighter, the survivor, the conqueror, the same Jaime that has inspired so many of us following her journey.

    I am metastatic and it came back after 9 years, that was 2 years ago and I am still battling. Like you I thought I can’t do this again, but here I am. Don’t let your fear get in the way of living and enjoying every wonderful moment with Ronnie and your family and friends.

    My hope is that we will some day live in a world where there will be no more fear of re-occurence, but until then sista we just have to keep on beleiving in ourselves and our power to overcome and thrive.

    Be well
    Lisa Marsella

    • Lisa,
      You are an inspiration and a very strong women. I would like to thank you for following my blogs. I hope you are having a good day.

  4. I am happy to be associated with you, Jaime. have had a 3rd recurrence and it was not easy to accept especially when a doctor tells you – you are cancer free! – I felt cheated but since I could hardly do anything on my own – I had to accept and am undergoing a 3rd Chemotherapy treatment.

    It’s not easy emotionally and physically especially when the body becomes weaker due to many chemicals being inserted intravenously.

    All I can say is, we have to have very strong faith for the healing power from Our Creator God and move forward by faith.

    • Angelina,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that this is your third time. It is not easy but going through all this I have found myself. You can do this. You are an amazing women and you have so much to give to others. Keep smiling and like I say keep dancing through the storm it will be over soon.

  5. Hi Jaime,
    I was 32 when diagnosed…now 33. I am coming up on my one year cancerversary in July. I had a bilateral mastectomy, reconstruction, and chemo. Like you, I think of recurrance CONSTANTLY!! Every ache and pain sets me off. And I keep feeling around where my breasts once were just to be sure I can’t feel anything coming back even though I had the mastectomy. Crazy, right?? I see thousands of survivors all the time but I only seem to be able to concentrate on the one scary story I hear. I hated chemo but felt safer during the treatment. No one tells you what life is like after all treatment is done. You are like, that’s it? Now what? Everyone wants you to just put it behind you, celebrate and move on. Oh how I wish it was all that simple.

    I know it will get better with time. I tell myself not to focus on the worry because I have a second chance at life. No one knows when their time is so we all might as well enjoy every minute. I am making this summer all about all the things I have always wanted to do. I am no longer saying “oh some day I’ll do this…” or “maybe next year….” I am living and enjoying!! That’s all anyone can do. I cherish every day and enjoy every minute!!

    You sound like you are doing great!! Best of luck to you and know you are not alone!!

    All the best,

  6. Hi Jamie

    Nice meeting you by e-mail. I was 65 when I got my first
    breast cancer. Small and didn’t have to have chemo- just
    38 radiation treatments. Eleven years went by -then my mammogram came back bad. Surgery -and 33 radiation
    treatments. Just finished May 2, 2011. So you never know what to expect. Just make every day a good day.
    Believe our Heavenly Father is watching over us. He says
    he will never give us more than we can stand. Hang in there .



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